Annie Get Your Pliers!

Doing great, no concerns, no needs at this time. Now that I have taken care of business I feel a song coming on...maestro if you please...

The staples come out tomorrow!
Bet your bottom dollar that I'd take a pair of pliers to them myself!
Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I'm metal free tomorrow.
Throw those instruments of torture away!
(with apologies to Broadway fans, although if you actually like Annie...)

Alain came back from the Philadelphia Marathon with a big, silly grin on his face. He ran a fantastic time which I can't remember right now and has probably qualified for the Boston Marathon. He was elated and I am so happy he had the opportunity to do the race he had trained so hard for.

Tomorrow we leave for the Great White North. We're driving to New Hampshire for my mother's annual food orgy. We'll break up the drive with a motel which will make my son, Sam supremely happy. He has developed a sincere fondness for the service industry and thinks motels are akin to a Las Vegas resort.

Some people might be bored with how we do Thanksgiving at my parents' house but I can't think of a better way to pack on a few pounds. Here's how it usually goes: everyone is coming this year so the house will packed to the gills. Many of us sit around doing nothing all day except my sister, The Organizer who will cart her brood off to the ski store or to "do something." My husband is also less tolerant of the inactivity and will occasionally round up one or both of my kids for a trip to the playground or a walk when he has deemed that Sam has had too much TV by the greenish glow of his skin or Adam looks like he's auditioning for Rain Man: the Early Years (what a good Dad).

Doug likes to work/play on his computer a lot. My Dad excels at getting in my mother's way with vacuum cleaners and brooms while she's trying to cook. My brother Ted and I have traditionally parked our butts on the couch for large parts of the day. Of course Ted has a new baby this year so the previous scenarios may be history.

At about 4:30 the tempo changes. The "do-ers" have usually come back from whatever stimulating activity they were forced to do and the "relaxers" are starting to get a little energy. We all converge on the kitchen for pre-dinner libations. Alain, Doug, and my Dad will start in on the fancy beers. Either Alain's homebrews or some microbrews. Ted and I are into the cocktails. We favor gin and tonics, gimlets and manhattans but occasionally get creative. Kate sometimes will have some wine or a drink, sometimes not. Mom will sample the dinner wine or get one of Alain's beers.

The one variation to this routine is if the men get bored before 5:00 and start making trips to the basement early. Then they take turns trying to piss off each other's wives by offering each other multiple refills before dinner.

Someone will usually make up a cheese/pate platter with whatever fancy stuff my mother has bought. We all like the fancy stuff, especially my sister's kids who have dubbed smelly, french cheeses "Franny cheese" in honor of my mother. The pate has come to be known as "brown cheese." We all decide on our favorites.

Dinner follows shortly after and is bound to be a very gourmet affair prepared by Granny Franny with a lot of skill and a little yelling (Jesus Christ, Hal! Don't start washing the dishes now!). Dinner is a game of defensive drinking, meaning you watch the wine bottle and refill your glass before my Dad polishes it off.

Relax if you're thinking of planning an intervention. Nobody gets tanked (too much protein).

I can't think of a better way to put on five pounds. I hope your holidays are as much fun.

Coming up, more on the association between caramel corn and trash bags and why Three Mile Island still causes trouble in New Hampshire.

Dr. Bif